Guten Tag, Reader,

Have you ever found yourself at a table, not wanting to be there? Silently shaming yourself for not saying ‘no’ to the invitation as soon as it arrived in your inbox? I have.

Or remember when you bought the piece of clothing because the salesperson insisted that you look fantastic in it, even though you didn’t think so. And then you never wore it but were too ashamed to remove it from your closet? I do.

How about the favor your colleague asked of you, and your plate was already full. Still, you agreed anyway and then worked late and resented every minute? Been there, felt that.

Listen, you are not alone. ‘No’ can be a heavy lift for such a small word.

Why is it so hard to say no? Let’s look at what social science, psychology, and neuroscience have to say:

1. As social animals, we have an inherent need to belong and be accepted by others. Saying no could result in being replaced with a more fun person at the dinner table (my brain loves telling me that story) or perceived as unhelpful by your colleagues (so we’d rather inconvenience ourselves than them).
2. Saying yes can provide social validation and a sense of self-worth (‘Ooooh, she’s asking me out for drinks, I must be cool after all!’). Research has shown that we tend to say yes to requests from those we like and want to impress (consciously or unconsciously). By saying yes, we want to meet expectations and contribute to
3. Saying no requires self-control (‘no, I don’t need another dress’) and decision-making skills (‘no, annoyingly good salesperson, I don’t care how cute my butt looks in this dress, because I actually never look at my butt and I don’t care what creepy men at the bar think about it, either!’). Research has found that decision-making involves multiple brain regions for evaluating options, weighing the potential outcomes, and making a final decision. Saying no requires the ability to inhibit impulses and prioritize personal values and goals.

It’s a lot, I know.

The good news: you can strengthen your ‘no’-muscle. Here are a few tips:

1. Practice deciding what’s a yes or a no for you. You can do this quietly. Look at people’s outfits in a public place and run each piece by a yes/no switch: Yes, I like that scarf. No, I don’t like those jeans. Beware: it’s essential to circumvent judgments like ‘Women my age should not wear jeans like that.’ We are practicing YOUR yes/no switch, not the patriarchy’s. Over time, the exercise will help you trust your gut simply by using it quietly.
2. Know what’s important. To prioritize your values and goals, you need to know what they are. Suppose you declare finishing your book your priority. You better refuse spending more than five minutes looking for your mom’s Happy Easter napkins. Once you state simplicity as your value, you might not add more shirts to your closet.
3. Understand that no means yes. Not in a gaslighting or creepy when-a-woman-says-‘no’-she-really-means-’yes’ way. But when you get good at saying ‘no’ to some things, you will have more time and money to say ‘yes’ to more important things. Keeping this in mind might just push you across the discomfort line.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO: DO NOT allow your inner critic to say ‘no’ to your awesomeness.

There is no shame in saying ‘yes’ when you want to say no. There are, however, lots of reasons to do so.

There is no shame in not knowing what your no's and yeses are, only layers of socialization that made you forget.

Let me know how it goes.

Big Joy,

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